Finding Hope in Sunflowers

Chrissy Holm Responds to the Radical Soul Questionnaire

Chrissy Holm is the host of the podcast Stirred By Words, where she talks about words, writing, and wellness. In their first book, Finding Sunlight: A Coming-of-Age Memoir about Love within the Wreckage of Purity Culture, Chrissy separates purity culture, LGBTQ religious trauma, and a patriarchal father-daughter relationship from all the possibilities of meaningful love.

Can you loosely define your spiritual identity? (We won’t hold you to it)

Great question! So, I’m always curious about where words come from, and when pondering this question, I looked up the history of the word “spirit.” The Merriam-Webster dictionary states that spirit is derived from the Latin word “spiritus,” meaning breath. To me, that’s what my spiritual identity boils down to. It’s staying connected to my breath and core beliefs through breathing practices, yoga, writing, hiking, focusing on personal growth and self-discovery, spending time in nature, or connecting with others on deep life questions. These things, in combination, help guide me in life, make me feel connected to others, and unite me to a broader purpose and something bigger than myself.

Who has challenged and evolved your beliefs?

Many people have challenged and evolved my beliefs, but I’ll focus on two. After being homeschooled at my church for three years, I returned to public school in fifth grade. One of my new friends had a Buddha statue in her home, right at the top of her stairs. I recall staring at the figure, struck with a deep curiosity. I didn’t know much about other religions because evangelical Christianity was deeply ingrained in my thinking. Even though I didn’t ask, just being at her home was enough to challenge my thoughts about other religions and traditions. My brother-in-law was also a person who had me questioning my beliefs. Growing up, the church taught us that being gay was a sin. When my sister started dating my now brother-in-law, he used to say that he didn’t care what people were doing and that others shouldn’t either. He made me realize we shouldn’t smite people for being who they are. I didn’t have the words for it back then, but it was one of the first times I slowly started accepting my own truth and sexuality.

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Do you have any spiritual practices?

I used to be very active in practicing yoga and, for a while, was dedicated to daily meditation. It can be a struggle to show up but I also remind myself it’s okay to not be perfect. When I can, I still try to do both as much as possible and also practice mindfulness (such as breathing or being mindful when doing everyday activities). I also spend time hiking or walking in nature – this helps me feel connected to something bigger than myself. Music can also be a spiritual practice for me. Growing up, I listened to and sang all the Christian hymnal music and can specifically recall dancing around my basement, singing it. In college when I slowly started deconstructing, I bought a ukulele and started learning it. I’m by no means great at it, but it’s been an excellent way to reconnect to music and singing. I also like to stay curious and continuously learn about spiritual practices or other traditions. For example, learning about stones, astrology, chakras, sound baths, and more has been healing.

What is one way you see yourself as radical?

One way I see myself as radical is by challenging traditional societal norms. Growing up in the church, I was taught to follow traditional gender roles and that being gay is a sin, among other societal and religious expectations. As I continue to build confidence in who I am and unlearn some of these harmful beliefs, I will challenge those norms, encourage others to share their stories, and advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. I believe we need to tell our stories, and we shouldn’t have to hide who we are. I want the younger generations to be proud and not afraid to show all the layers of who they are.

What grounds you?

Physical activity, mindfulness, spending time in nature, connecting with others, and being creative are a handful of things that ground me. For example, hiking is a great activity because it’s physical, outside in nature, I’m able to connect with others, and I have the space to pay attention to my breathing. Creativity is also a big piece of what grounds me, whether it’s writing, playing my ukulele, or creating a pretty spreadsheet or Google document. When I’m feeling anxious, I try to pause when possible and use these strategies. And when all else fails, I use breathing to reground myself.

What gives you hope?

This is such a great question. I’ve pondered it myself often and that’s a big part of my story. For many years, I had lost my hope. Growing up, God and Heaven were “my hope” and things I could look forward to. When I lost that part of myself and started deconstructing, I struggled to find what that hope was. As strange as it may seem, sunflowers helped me. To me, sunflowers represented not only love and support but also self-confidence. It helped me to know that I can get through difficult things. Listening to other people’s stories also gives me hope. As humans, we face all kinds of struggles. Hearing what people have been through, their perspectives, and how they’ve overcome their challenges inspires me and gives me hope that I can also keep strong and move forward.

What’s one lesson you keep having to relearn?

Taking care of myself. I often get hyper-focused on doing more and more (some of that stems from not feeling “worthy”), and then I get exhausted and burn myself out. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster with this too. There are moments I feel good and am taking care of myself, but then the next moment, I go down into this hole of not taking care of myself and putting others' needs before my own. Whether it’s self-care or setting a boundary, it’s something I will always be relearning.

What advice do you have for others struggling with what to believe in?

First, it’s okay to struggle. You’re not alone and many of us go through a moment (hell, who am I kidding…multiple moments) where we struggle with what exactly to believe in. It’s normal. Our beliefs also might change over time and based on what we’re experiencing in life. Asking yourself what your priorities and values are right now can be helpful in identifying what to believe in. Finally, stay open and curious. Whether it’s reading books, listening to podcasts, scouring social media, or attending in-person events, it’s helpful to gather more information about things you may be interested in. I often feel that I have to “choose what’s right,” but as I continue learning and thinking in shades of gray (or rainbow!) versus black and white, it’s helpful to know that I will find my own path on what to believe in.