Saying No to the Universe
More on Collaborating with the Universe
One of the most lucid times of my life was at the end of a painful relationship. It was February of 2020, and I had no idea what was about to hit the world. All I knew was that my heart was broken, and I was struggling to end things with someone I deeply cared about, but who made me feel like shit.
When I accepted that we did need to break up, but I had no idea how to make it stick, I googled books about breakups and found The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Buddhist therapist Susan Piver.
I read half of the book in one go.
Sitting by myself at an Indian buffet on West Devon in Chicago, I binged on tikka masala and Piver’s words: “In sadness … there is life. There is wakefulness.” In our moments of heartbreak, Piver suggests, we are more receptive to the universe and all that is has to offer. If we open ourselves to sorrow instead of trying to banish it immediately, we can be unusually tender and alert.
I walked back to my apartment in a newfound state of awareness and took in the unexpected silence that one can even find in a city of 3 million at dusk. After being so myopically focused on my feelings for one person, suddenly it felt possible to fall in love with the world around me.
That night, I woke up in the wee hours convinced that I should buy a camper and travel around the country alone. It was something I’d considered before but had never felt ready for. I woke up knowing it was time. The insight was, I believe, a gift from the Universe.
And I hadn’t even asked for anything yet.
To heal a broken heart, one of the things Piver suggests doing is request blessings from the Universe. She writes:
Requesting blessings requires you to give up knowing what a blessing looks like exactly … Requesting blessings is predicated on the assumption that great wisdom is already at work … It doesn’t really matter what you call this wisdom. The only thing that seems required is not to quite understand what it is.
Requesting blessings is about restoring trust that the Universe is on your side and asking for visible evidence that this is the case.
And so I did.
Looking back, I question why I felt the need to request more blessings, more evidence of goodwill after that middle-of-the-night epiphany. Why was it not enough?
Perhaps no matter what the Universe does, it never feels enough. I know this about myself. I’m perpetually the Doubting Thomas: always looking for a clearer picture of my relationship with the Divine; more guidance; more certainty that something out there has my “highest and best” in mind.
But in particularly painful or important moments, I simply need more. A lot more.
After all, I was brokenhearted and trying to kill the hope that my lover would change. I was looking for a lot of guidance about how to see myself and my future. And that one late night just didn’t feel like enough.
It took maybe a week after the epiphany for me to feel completely ready to move on. (And I should admit, last week was not pretty. It was not a graceful breakup.)
But the day after I finally blocked him from my phone, someone unexpectedly asked me out on a first date. From the start, he seemed like the opposite of the man I’d just broken up with. He, too, felt like a gift from the Universe.
Chicago locked down the city right after our second date. Soon after, M moved in with me.
Both M and my late-night epiphany felt like gifts from the Universe, and yet they seemed to contradict each other. One message encouraged me to set out on my own. The other encouraged me to say yes to a person who kept me tethered to Chicago.
What was I to do with these seemingly contradictory messages?
I said yes to M, and ‘not yet’ to life on the road.
***
Every week, I draw one Tarot card that’s an anchor card for my week. A way to work with Spirit — the card often offers guidance about something I need to work on or helps brace me for something I’m going to face. A few weeks ago, my card was the four of cups.
In the Waite-Smith depiction of the card, a man is sitting by a tree staring at three cups in front of him. He seems oblivious to the discombobulated hand sticking out of a cloud holding out a fourth cup for him.
A common interpretation of this card is being selfish or ungrateful or ignoring opportunities in front of you.
But Mystic Bruja Nicole Pontillo has another interpretation. On her podcast Cafecito & Tarot, she says the four of Cups can also be a message about “trust and divine timing, trust in our divine brilliance, and trust that Spirit is going to bring to us things that are highest good, as well as being able to have choice to say yes or no to what Spirit brings us. And if we say no to something, not being afraid that it’s going to block further blessings.”
I like her final idea. The ability to say no or not right now is at the heart of what it means to collaborate with the Universe.
Pontillo admits it can be scary to say no to the Universe or Spirit. I agree, and I believe that saying no or not yet is a way of this actually feeling like a true relationship and not a dictatorship. It’s a way of building trust.
So back to 2020.
That relationship that I stayed in Chicago for? It ended up being just as painful and unhealthy as the one I’d just gotten out of. And I’ve struggled really hard to come to terms with what it meant that I was actively asking for blessings from the Universe and immediately met someone who treated me like M treated me.
And yet, I don’t regret either relationship. I needed both to teach me what I truly wanted and what I was worth. I’m very grateful for both men — neither of whom is the villain in this story or a bad person. They’re both wounded people on their own healing journeys.
But about a year after I ended my relationship with M — Finally! I was ready to travel.
Perhaps the Universe gave me two options, and I chose the only one I was ready for. Or perhaps, all along, I was “meant” to choose M first and know that the Universe had something prepared for me afterward.
Or perhaps the Universe never meant for me to end up with M at all, but I wasn’t ready for my “highest and best” yet.
Here is where I start to struggle with the idea of divine destiny. After all, how does one collaborate if free will doesn’t exist? I could lose myself in theories of whether I can actually say no to the Universe if the Universe knows what I’m going to choose. Like, would I ever win at chess?
But worrying about this misses what I believe is the point.
In the moment, I actively decide what I want my life to be like. I’m not deferring to the Universe. I’m not afraid that if I make the wrong choice God or Spirit is going to be mad at me or smite me. I’m not afraid I’m being disobedient or will lose my opportunity for a great life.
For me, collaborating with the Universe means having faith that Spirit wants me to lead an authentic life and make choices for myself. And Spirit will never abandon me.
Spirit will never abandon you either.
Tysm for this post and your sharing. That books sounds like a timely message for me to add to my reading list also.
A friend of mine many years ago gave me the mantra ‘this or better’ when wanting to express gratitude for current circumstances while also seeking out ways to live more vibrantly and intentionally. It’s changed my life.